dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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