i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think my vagina is haunted
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
