I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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