Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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