so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
