Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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