So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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