Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just high enough for therapy.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
