Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
