Im at strip club and am horny
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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