where am i from again
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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