Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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