meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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