I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Small penises have feelings too.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize