Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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