Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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