But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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