Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
