i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
