Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize