At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
