Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
