Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
