I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize