dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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