Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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