3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
