His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
