The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
