NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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