Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
