So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
