Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
