I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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