Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think i have herpe
just one?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
