I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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