I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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