Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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