I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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