i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
