I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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