so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
