Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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