I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
