Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
