I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
too bad you live with your parents still
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
