The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
