I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We named our party play list daddy issues
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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