I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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