i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
