My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
