My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
