Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
