Pregnant stripper...not hot.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
