how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
